I have problems staying emotionally connected to people. I find it hard to keep people updated on how I am doing. Honestly, I don’t think it’s really important to. The world moves fast, sometimes way too fast and at times I feel like I need to play catch up. I just want to enjoy my time but it’s tough knowing that life doesn’t work at a slow pace.
I remain a safe distance away from people cause I know I will be replaced in the end. There will always be someone better. Seems cynical right? That’s just a part of me that I loathe and like at the same time. I can remain a good arms length so I am more prepared for what’s to come. Yet I miss out on opportunities of establishing really deep relationships. I can’t help it, I’m sorry. I don’t like to be clingy, I’m not desperately looking for attention but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. Whoever has me as a friend I sincerely apologize for being such a bad friend. I’m just too selfish therefore all these walls I put up are nothing but the fear of hurt. One day I will be able to confidently break those walls down and never let them build up once again.
Sometimes I feel like I can be such a puppy dog. If people neglect me for some time, I’m just as friendly and welcoming as before. I don’t usually speak my mind when something’s bothering me like a mute pup who can’t express how they feel. I care too much sometimes, people are either scared of that or show some love in return. Regardless I will always appear to be this hopeless little wounded animal because I can never see myself becoming overly selfish and to stop caring about other people. Why is this seen as a weak quality? Just cause I don’t react to something doesn’t mean I don’t notice it, I know all too well what your true intentions are- I just choose to stand back and observe.
Call me naive, ignorant, or stupid all you want but I am fully aware of the world around me.
I think art is beautiful. It’s beautiful in the sense that it’s similar to when people can look at someone’s Tumblr page and can tell who they really are. I think artists who go through this sort of identity crisis show it in their artwork. It’s a matter of finding yourself and that style will be evident on canvas. This is one of the many reasons I love art. I’ve been depriving my creative abilities for way too long now that I can see my life just falling apart as I try so very hard to find myself.
What’s holding you back on living your dream? It must be someone holding you back saying you can’t accomplish it. It must be something that is limiting what you can do about pursuing your dream. It must be your own self-doubt and low self-esteem that is making you crawl back into the safe haven of comfort you commonly know oh’ so well. It must be something- there’s always something. Whether that “something” is an excuse or perhaps you even fear success? Why? The reason could be you are scared of growing out of your comfort zone. You know not all change is bad because secretly that’s what you’ve desperately needed this whole time. Maybe, just maybe.
Look at all the things you have right now, whatever it may be. Shelter, materialistic items, friends who care about you, or parents that love you. Imagine if you did not have anything at all but this ‘one’ thing and you are okay with this because it’s the only thing that makes you happy. What would it be?
I find that so many people are insecure about themselves, literally, everyone. It’s a bit scary because ones that seem all ignorant and overly confident are actually the most insecure ones, they use that as a mask to hide how they really are feeling. What makes us all so insecure? Is it the judgements? Is it the media? Is it the constant pressure to be happy on our own? I’ve been alone my entire life and it seems I’ve grown accustomed to that fact; like it’s part of my destiny. I come off as aloof and distant cause I’m scared of getting attached to someone. Even just the idea of getting intimate with somebody terrifies the shiet out of me. The fact that they know exactly who I am. The fact that they see my true colours. The fact that I’m out in the open completely exposed to this person and I cannot take back what’s been already said and done. I know this is something I should change about myself because I hate this part of me but yet I have a hard time bringing myself to do so. Ultimately, my deadly habit will drown me even more.
Sometimes it’s hard to think positive and I wonder how certain people manage to stay constantly happy. Bubbly people who smile at everything and everyone, all day long, are they really hiding behind some hidden truth that they are secretly depressed individuals? Or are they naturally these happy go-getters? Regardless, people like that intimidate me because no one can be THAT flipping happy all the time.
Maybe I’m just jealous of their happiness, maybe I just need to change my mindset.
What is home? I’m still in search of that person, place, or thing that I can call my asylum. A place where I can lie comfortably, kick back my shoes and just dream endlessly. A person who I can name as my protector, someone who I can fall in love with over and over again. A thing that of which lets me be who I can really be and feel like nothing else matters but this one itsy thing.
I am in constant search for this and I hope that I can find it soon.
You need to stop settling for less because you deserve the best that life has to offer. Stop dreaming and start living the dream. Stop worrying about the future because you aren’t there yet, focus on today and today only as the rest will follow. Don’t let others shape who you are since you have full control over what and how you live your life. Ignore what people may think and throw away the idea that people judge, either way you are going to be judged no matter what you do. Remember about win-win situations and don’t let people step all over you just cause you feel like you are not worth anything. Watch the past go by and move forward instead of backwards because it isn’t helping you at all. Take negative circumstances as an opportunity for more positive things to happen. Do not die on me and let your soul dwindle on a thin thread of string, instead strengthen it with another piece. Remember what you are here for and never let procrastination or laziness take the best out of your fullest potential. Be kind to others who are kind to you but know your limits to how much of yourself you give. Dream bigger knowing that you will be able to overcome any obstacle that may come your way and want less cause you already have everything that you desire to begin with. Most of all let go of your insecurities, let go of everything that is holding you back, let go of fear. For those who fear to pursue their dreams are living in fear, don’t be like them, go get it.